choices

Yesterday J had a swim meet. Tori and Emma and I went. It was fun. Sort of. Swimming has been tainted for us.
Even though this is my online journal I know I write a lot more often about the littler kids than the big ones. The reason why is they are teens, and have their own lives (to an extent) and I want to respect their privacy and keep their confidences. I write things that I know they won't mind, and they all read my blog so believe me I'd hear about it if a judge wrong.

I have J's permission to tell the swim saga though.

It really started back in the spring. J tried out for, and was unfairly not chosen for the drill team. Did I write about that? I don't remember. Anyway, when she didn't make it she wanted to do something else and talked about a lot of different things. One thing she really wanted to try was swim team. We told her no because they meet at 6:15 and go to practice. This is the same time as seminary and seminary is a priority. When fall rolled around we discovered that this year, unlike previous years, the youth would be allowed to do home study seminary during their sports season and then go back into class when they are off season. This seemed like a good solution and with a little trouble we were able to arrange her schedule so she was on swim team.

She did well. Even though she hasn't been on a team before, and hasn't taken lessons, except for baby bubble blowing when she was small, she is fast and a natural at it. She was having fun swimming and the team was doing really well.

One morning, several weeks ago they were riding on the bus back to the school and J, who had been eating crackers on the bus, asked her friend for a drink of her soda. Now, J knows not to drink from someone else at a party or a dance (in fact she knows not to put her own drink down and come back to it after and drink again), but at 8am she wasn't thinking it would matter and shared her drink. It made her throat burn and eyes water so she said what is wrong with this soda? Her friend laughed and told her it had vodka in it. J turned to the girl sitting behind her and asked for some of hers and after she drank it she found out it also had vodka. Several of the girls had vodka in their drinks and were drinking and acting silly on the bus. J didn't drink any after she knew but she stayed by them and didn't say anything to the coach.

At 6th period she got called to the office. Some of the other kids on the team told the coach and the girls were in trouble ( as they should be) The other three, and J, all independently said that J didn't know. She was suspended for a day while they "thought about it" and then was allowed to come back to school. Those three girls are now at alternative school. J's coach was so upset and suspended her from swimming in the next two meets. Not because she drank, he believed her that she didn't know; but because she didn't move or tell him.

This was a very hard thing for J. She ended up loosing a lot of friends over it. When she went back to school everyone was mad at her for not being sent to alternative school as well. Before this she has had to stand up several times this year and defend the church at school as students have come with wrong information and ideas and there is, I think for the first time that I've encountered this strongly, a very negative image about Mormons. Maybe it's prop 8, or maybe it's just the social climate now. This added fuel to the fire in her situation though as the other kids have been angry at her and have said "Mormon's think they're so good" and "you're lying, you knew" kinds of things. Even the administration, when I went in to get her and to talk with them told me that she came flat out and said "I'm Mormon and we don't drink. I would not go against what I know is right" but despite her conviction they said that you can't tell kids will say anything to keep out of trouble. The next few weeks of school were really hard. Many kids were talking about her and mad at her. She really felt alone. I do have to say that she was not. She has a couple really good girl fiends who have stuck by her no matter what; even to the point of not going to birthday parties that J was now not going to and hanging out with her instead. And defending her in all ways. And she has her church friends of course. But she felt alone.

Now she can swim again. The meet went fine. This past week more of the team was kicked off (I don't know what for), and some had bad grades, and some didn't have qualifying times, so by the time they got to swim yesterday they were down to 10 kids who could go. This is tough for a team to face as they dwindle and see friends not able to swim. I really feel for them and for the coach. Sheesh.

I don't know how all the scoring ended but we didn't do stellar, and we weren't the worst.

Now she knows who her true friends are, although she says she'd rather be ignorant and think that everyone was. She's also made some new friends. As soon as the semester is over she's switching to a different class and going back to seminary, where she now wants to be more than ever.

I think there were some valuable lessons learned. First for me and Beloved, no more skipping seminary, even for a short time. That strength and fortification are absolutely necessary and it's not worth the trials we willingly bring on our selves to not go.

Second, it is so important to not only do the right thing yourself but to be with people who are also doing the right thing. You can get in trouble just be being with others who are doing wrong.

J will tell you this too. She says she wishes she just moved even if they would have gotten mad. That would have been taking a stand against what they were doing, instead of condoning it with silence. This is tough, I know it is. I know she will next time.

There have been many difficult consequences from this choice J's friends made. For them, they are very severe. For J and the other kids on the team they are pretty severe as well. I wish it was easier to see the long term out come that results from seemingly small choices. J chose to sit where she was, even though she didn't drink...and look what happened. We need to be so wise in our choices. It's not fair, but hopefully now she knows the importance of every choice we make.

Last Sunday we went to a great fireside by Jenny Phillips. One story she told really struck me. She told the story about herself as a teenager. There was a TV show that everyone watched, but it wasn't a good show. She wanted to watch the show too but her mom told her no. One night her mom wasn't home so she turned it on. Her mom came home and she figured her mom would make her turn it off but she didn't, her mom sat down beside her and watched with her. She said she began to feel so uncomfortable. Finally, unable to take the pressure, they talked about it and her mom asked her to imagine a line. One side is with Heavenly Father, the other with the adversary. She then asked her which side of the line she was on when she was watching. The Lord's side or the adversary? When Jenny tried to tell her mom its not a big deal..its just a show her mom asked again which side of the line are you on...the Lord's or the adversary. I think this is so profound. We can not be on both sides of the line, ever. We have to choose in every instance where we stand.

I have thought about this since. Having teenagers we face many situations, almost daily, that have a huge impact on their futures. They are making choices all the time that will affect who they are and their future happiness, as well as today's happiness. I am proud of J for deciding not to drink, for standing up for the things she knows is right many many times. For being the only one in a modest dress, or the only one with a curfew, or the only one who doesn't date (yet...3 more blissful dateless weeks for me). I am sad that she was the one who everyone is mad at this time, even though she is the one whose free agency was taken from her as her "friends" decided to give her a drink, without her knowledge. I know she will be stronger for this. That said, there was a choice she made that put her on the wrong side of the line. It was not an act of commission but one of omission. She could have stood up and moved. When she didn't her inaction said "this is okay", when it wasn't. She never thought it was okay, it was just hard to move.

We can do hard things. We have to do hard things. We suffer consequences when we don't do the hard, but right thing.

So, back to yesterday J swam. She had her best friend there supporting her. She did fine. Things are getting better. She is continuing to learn to make good choices, to stand in holy places, to be an example of to others, I am proud of her and I know she is going to do so well because she wants to do what's right.

On the way home we swung by Cheesecake Factory and got slices to go.

Last night Beloved and I went to the temple.

Today was church. We fed Renaldo. It's cold outside. Life goes on. Come what may, and love it :) I am thankful for the chance to live this life. To be here at this time. To have these children to raise and to teach and to learn from.

The End :)