My three older girls have my space accounts. (well, Dani did I don't know if she still does or not but S and J do) I don't look at them every day, or really very regularly at all but if they are up on the computer I will sometimes sit down and spend a few minutes looking.
I don't consider this an invasion of their privacy because a) it's on the world wide web and b) see a. I know some mom's who would not agree.
Besides that they often call me over to see a new picture or background they have on it or whatever.
For the record I would never go in their rooms and read their journals or letters or whatnot, unless I was invited. I have never had reason to think I needed to do that and if I did I would ask them. I do know mom's who do.
I do look at photo albums and web pages.
Sometimes I will read comments their friends have left, or I will look at their friends pages.
Sometimes what I see there disturbs me and I think if I were the mom I would want to know what was there.
Do I tell that mom? Do they all look and know already?
How much space is good and trustworthy and fostering independence and how much is negligence or a sign that I am too busy and not involved enough.
These are tough teen questions. Parenting when you are checking diapers, reading Brown Bear Brown Bear and looking for t ball cleats is physically hard. Parenting when you've got dating, driving, thinking, independence seeking teens.....well, that's a whole other kind of exhausting.
I don't normally solicit comments but I am interested to see what you think. Whether you have a teen yourself or if you just remember what it was like when you were a teen, or when you had a teen.
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13 comments:
I always want to know if anyone knows anything about mine so always tell me please. But I also have not always told all I know because when I have the parent got mad at me for over a year and then thanked me years later-- I do not often snoop but have before when given doubts.
I know I would want to know--yet I'm sure there are parents who wouldn't believe it even if you tell them. My 16 yo has a facebook account and I have older seminary students who are his friends and they know they can always call me if they see anything I need to worry about. We have our computer in the basement but facing where we can see it when we come down the stairs.
One of my older boys called me and said that his son had seen something on my son's facebook sight that bothered him--I talked to my son and we worked through it.
I think we do what we "feel" is the right thing and I believe we usually know.
Given the situation in the world today and the struggles that these young people face, I don't think there's anything wrong with being more involved. But that's me.
By the way, thanks for this post. It is great.
I am not sure, I will be interested in seeing feedback too.
I think it would depend on how well i knew the kid or family in question. If I didn't know them very well, I would talk about the issue wiht my teenager and see what she thinks of it.
Yes, parenting a teenager is very very different
Karen
Hmmmm that is tough. I think if the mom is YOUR friend then you can casually bring it up. If not, it's not really your place.
It's fine to get on their space-- ANYONE can, it is their choice to throw it all out there and know that the parents can read it.
.... with that being said, it's just my opinion. I was a teenager over 10 years ago and won't have a teenager myself for 5 more years.... so this is just from what I remember and what I think for later on!
Anyway, good luck with those beautiful teenage girls... you're a wonderful mom and I am sure you will find peace with something.
I have such age differences too. J is 20, H 18, V is 16 and E is 3.
I have wondered the same thing. Many times.
We had an experience in January, which has lead me to think a variety of things, I would never had considered before.
I've come to the conclusion, that it is not just my right, but my responsibility to make sure, that my kids are safe. If that means from bad comments, or foul stuff, that would include contacting the parents.
I at one time, would have had a totally different opinion.
In January, my sweet beautiful 16 year old daughter, went to a high school dance. It was a boy girl, stomp, unlike a date type dance.
Prior to this night, I had noticed some things, that had bugged me, some comments on "her space" but never had I addressed them.
During this dance, there was a serious altercation, at which my daughter got attacked, her shirt ripped open and some serious, emotional and painful experiences ensued.
I wish with all my heart that I had listened to my instincts, when it came to those few half handed comments.
I too have wrestled with how much, and when to intervene.
I'm not trying to scare you, just share with you, my experiences.
Good luck!
I sometimes check my computer after the babysitter leaves. Hey, it's my computer, my house, I'm going to check the history. It's an eyeopening world that teens have to navigate these days.
When I was a young woman's leader I would check "my girl's" MySpace pages often, and if things were questionable then I would try to talk to the girls privately. I hope my children't youth leaders care enough to do the same with my kids. Only once did I approach a mom and ask if she knew about MySpace. She didn't, and she should have.
If it is an open profile, I have no problem checking up, if it is private, then I'd really want to check up!
My oldest is barely a tween, so I don't really know what I am doing, but I think staying up to date sounds smart and important!
good question... i think it is a good idea to let the parent know. of course it should be done in a non-threatening way... but ya... i would want to know if it was my child.
Well, speaking for myself, I would want to know. But some don't these days... so I would say use your discretion. Or, simply pray about it. Don't you just love those kinds of answers? lol!
and I have tagged you. :)
I personally have a myspace and it is set to private. I have it set that way because I don't want just anybody to have a peek into my life and be able to see my dd. Not because I have something bad to hide. I accept people as my friends if I know them.
I do check out others profiles, and some I check up on. I have before pointed it out to a mom, and she was very upset about the content...however it did not change, and in fact is the same at times if not worse.
Things that are put on the net are public info and for people to view.
I believe that we as parents have the right to check up on our children. I think that in todays world "children" are forgetting that they are children not adults. I admire parents who care enought to be a part of the child's life.
I do NOT agree with snooping into child's personal things. I think that we are people need personal space. My mom said that notes left in pockets were free game. Notes in my room were not. Journals are to be private, but they are not plastered on the internet for all to see.
You are a good mom, and are doing a good thing.
I think parents need to know, but most these days are in denial and really don't want to hear it. Thats a touchy subject for some, and I think that a personal relationship would need to be established first of all.
Here's a question, would you want to know something about your children and how would you take it?
This is a good question. A great question, actually.
I think that if you see something that you would consider disturbing - the question is "Would YOU want to know if it was YOUR child?" And if the answer is yes - than I would absolutely reach out to the parents. Their reaction to your gesture (acceptive or not) would dictate whether I reached out, again.
I think it is so important to be involved in your teen's life. My mother always seemed to know what I was up to and that was LONG before the internet or my space. The fact that she was so involved really kept me in check (and probably some of my friends, too!!)
Thanks for all the comments.
There have been times when I have seen stuff on myspace that has bothered me but I didn't not have a specific incident in mind when I posted this, I was more very curious what other people thought.
I see my kids myspace and would talk with them.
I have had people tell me things about my kids, those things haven't always been true, sometimes they were. In either case I didn't get mad at the teller. I think you can feel the difference between someone who is concerned and someone who is getting delight out of the misfortune or troulbes of others.
I would want to be told, I might not be happy about it but I would want a chance to talk to my kids and help them if I could.
It's a hard job we have and I am grateful for friends who love my kids enough to be interested in them and want for their good as well.
wow-totally different issues than what I have-but I'll be there before I know it I'm sure.
I would want to know if I were a parent and I agree with Jen-let them know and see how they react to determine if you share again.
I wish my parents had kept a little closer tab on me while I was a teenager.
Here's my 2 cents....
First: On every MYSPACE there is a bulletin board that updates what every person on your friends list has to say that day...even if it isn't a message directly.
There was a YM, seemingly well behaved, who was in our ward who had a myspace, set to private, that was a buddy with my daughter, so she could access his site. Everyday his bulletin board was updated with porn sites and raunchy jokes. His background music was rauncy rap music with known graphic lyrics...the picture of himself was an attempt at being "sexy". My daughter was showing me something on her own myspace when his bulletin board update caught my eye.
I made her take me to his space... and the things there made me sick to my stomach. I decided to send an email to his parents, because I knew they'd want to know.(They were pretty strict parents.)
I received an email back, thanking me for letting them know, but that they had been monitoring him and he must have cleaned up the site...because there was nothing there that was pornographic etc.
Days later, the site was still up and still raunchy...more updates on the bulletin board.
Eventually I found out that he'd had 2 myspace accounts. One to let his parents monitor and one for his "friends"
I took a screenshot of the front page of his myspace and sent it to his parents and they completely freaked.They couldn't believe it.
Second: When I served as YW President in my last ward, I made a myspace name up and applied at each and every YW's myspace to add me. (I had 26 YW)All but 2, besides my own, accepted me without even knowing who I was, nor asking. Nearly every girl had their own personal information (IE: where they went to school, city they lived in, pictures of themselves...some even 'flirty' and provocative...) and if I were a preditor, I could have easily tracked them down.
I then taught a sunday lesson, (the title which escapes me at the moment but having to do with the 13th AOF)with either mom or dad invited to sit in with us, and share what I'd discovered. I did it in a prayerful,loving, tender way, and did not single out any girl in particular. There was such an interesting myraid of reactions....mostly parents were grateful that their girls could see the ease in which danger could come to them.But the one that suprised me, was the parents who were angry that I "tricked" their daughters.
I have very different views on how much 'free-agency' a teen has, much less while accessing anything on the web. I am very strict about consequenses...and accountability. How many stories have we heard about the perfect straight-A child who out of the blue became involved in dangerous things before a parent realized??
I never want to be that parent.
Anyway---just my very LONG 2 cents.
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