Today is always a weird day for me. I would have been married 21 years, if I hadn't gotten divorced after 8 of those years had passed. We eloped, to Lake Tahoe, not Las Vegas (thank goodness) although I don't know why that makes it better. It's a little less tacky I guess. It was snowy and pretty and we were YOUNG, I was 18 and he was 23. Thinking back I can hardly believe the justice of the peace or whoever it was that married us did. It wasn't really a particularly happy day. I felt guilty and it was strange although I did love him and I thought things would be fine. I never really wanted a big wedding so that part I didn't miss but I was sad that we weren't getting married in the temple (we couldn't) and that I wasn't doing things right. We did end up having an open house a few weeks later, which neither of us wanted but our parents insisted upon. Even now, looking back on it, it seems weird. I don't really think about him often and when I do the word "husband" doesn't pop into my head. I would say I regret it, and I do but that seems the wrong word somehow. The result of a very unhappy, somewhat short, never should have been marriage is three awesome, wonderful, beautiful girls who I have never regretted for a split second and who are the greatest blessings to me.
Still I sometimes wonder what my life would have been like, who I would have been, if I had not made that mistake so many years ago. And I try really hard to keep my kids from doing the same. When you keep the commandments you keep your options open to have what ever kind of life you want. When you don't you live with the consequences for a lifetime...and so do those you love. It's as simple as that. I have felt great sorrow over my bad choices, and have felt the sweet peace that comes from forgiveness. There are lessons learned in a lifetime of living that are hard but valuable.
What I wish I could somehow make my kids understand, and the youth I work with, and really anyone who would care to listen is that the only freedom you have is by strict obedience to Heavenly Father's commands. Once you chose a different path, even if you repent and come back, there are consequences that you never can escape. Some are small, some are not so small. Even if it's a little thing like not being able to say "no I never saw a rated R movie" or "no I never went to a party" when someone asks. I would wish I could say no, clearly and with strength. To sat "I know it's hard not to go, but I didn't when I was young and I know you can make the same choice." That is such a better thing to say than well I did, but you shouldn't. In this case the choice I made has a big impact on me still. I am divorced, or was. My DH has step kids (and that's a complicated relationship that I won't even delve into right now). The little kids know I was married before and that the big girls have another dad and that seems weird to them. There are emotional scars and heartaches that we all have suffered from because of that....more on this topic later, right now I am behind and sitting on this so off it goes until I can write more coherently about it.
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5 comments:
Without getting too personal about my own experiences, I just want to say thank you, thank you, thank you for posting this. When I taught the YW lesson on temple marriage, the girls knew that my husband and I were married in my parents' home about 6 weeks after his baptism. I believe one of them said "Yeah, but you were sealed a year later and everything was fine." I was pretty light-hearted with the girls, but when one said that, I picked up a picture of our YW President standing in front of the temple in her wedding dress. I told the girls that yes, it did turn out OK. Nothing happened to either DH or myself OR our first child in the year between our wedding and the sealing. BUT, that by choosing a civil marriage, I would NEVER have a picture like the one I was holding to hang on my wall, and that while I was grateful for the privilage of being an eternal family; I was a little sad about the picture. The room got quiet. In a good way...Our experiences, even the bad ones are not only our own stepping stones towards exaltation; they are one of our most valuable resources for teaching our youth. Sorry to hijack your comments with this mini-sermon, but you hit a nerve here. Again, thank you for sharing such a personal experience with the rest of us. It really touched me tonight.
Melessa
Thanks for sharing Txmommy. I also wish that someone could explain it to the youth right now that making one wrong decision can change your life forever. My parents actually got married at 16&18 because my mom was pregnant... definitely not what they expected, and now looking back everything turned out amazing, but there were definite consequences. There always are with the little and big choices.
I am posting this as anonymous--not because I'm a chicken, but because I have family that reads my blog and somehow don't want this linked back to me. I joined the Church when I was 23--had my first child at 19. I didn't marry the baby's father. There are always consequences. I have no regrets about not marrying the baby's father--it would have been dangerous for me to marry him.
However, my child who was adopted by the man I married some 12 years later, ended up marrying at 17--when he was a senior in high school and his girlfriend was 16 and a junior in high school. Their baby was born 4 months after they were married. They have been married almost 20 years and were sealed in the temple almost 2 years ago.
The hardest part you can't share all of these stories with the youth when you teach them, but you can tell them that you know what you're talking about.
I appreciate your sharing something so personal.
I think you are an amazing woman.
Your OLF
Thank you for sharing this story. I think we all have made choices that we wish in hindsight had been different. Even though I have no big regrets, there are a million little things where the decision I made was okay, but could have been so much better. And it IS hard to get the youth that we teach, and our own children, to understand that.
Hey dear, We can wonder what life might have been like but now we are who we are because of what we have been through and so are our children,we have more compassion because of our life experiences and for that I will be always grateful. Thanks for sharing. I speak for many when I say we love you for who you are today.
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